


Pull 'em up

by TheRoyalPrussianArmy



Series: Panty Saga [3]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Gen, M/M, Pre-Slash, farah pretends it doesn't exist so she doesn't have to deal with it, meme gently rides again, slight crack, todd is long suffering and going to Fight meme gently
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 15:03:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12323397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRoyalPrussianArmy/pseuds/TheRoyalPrussianArmy
Summary: They started out as a joke but quickly ended up being the last resort. The universe apparently really wants Todd to pull them up and deal with it.





	Pull 'em up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Liztalkstrash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liztalkstrash/gifts).
  * Inspired by [I Dream of Memes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12316194) by [Liztalkstrash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liztalkstrash/pseuds/Liztalkstrash). 



> Slight crack, slight serious, slight humor. I tried to make it a mix. Dirk is the funnier one of the two and Todd was being grumpy. I can totally get his sentiment, though. We all have those ones meant for last resorts only.
> 
> Title is, of course, a reference to "pull up your big girl panties and deal with it!"
> 
> Inspired by - slash - a continuation of Liz's "I Dream of Memes". Who would have known a short conversation about memes would have turned into this?
> 
> Now, please excuse me while I pray for the writers, actors, and other show participants to never find out that this exists.

Panties.

 

He really couldn't get over the fact that Dirk had thought he needed _panties_ based on a nightmare he'd overheard Todd having while sneaking in to tape _Shrek_ onto his pillow. Dirk was lucky Todd liked him or he would have killed the bastard for one of those two things. He wasn't sure what to think when he realized they were both irritating, if not well meaning, and neither bothered him more than the other. Gifts of lacy panties were apparently immediately on the same normal-but-irritating level as memes and he wasn't sure he liked that implication. Sat on his couch with a bowl of cereal, listening to the outside world, Todd frowned and glanced at the dresser where he'd shoved the thing after Dirk had left. They were, he had to admit, very nice. Very soft, not scratchy at all, and a decent color that would probably look quite good on him. Todd bit his lip, considering... And then slapped himself.

 

He was not thinking about putting on panties. He _wasn't._ Growling at the air in front of him, Todd stuck a spoonful of cereal into his mouth and quite aggressively did _not_ think about the panties.

 

* * *

 

It was hard not to think about them, really. Especially when he'd stuck them in his underwear drawer so he saw them every day. Especially when, a couple days later when they were out working a case, they passed by a lingerie shop and Dirk had paused and looked in. Especially when Dirk's face had turned a delightful pink all the way to the tip of his ears when Todd had called out for him to follow. Especially when he may or may not be putting off laundry so he has a reason to try them on instead of because he was being curious about how they’d feel.

 

Todd shoves them to the back of the drawer and does laundry the next day. He was  _not_ going to wear panties.

 

* * *

 

The universe, unsurprisingly, has other ideas.

 

In the span of just a couple weeks the following happens: a raccoon steals half of his already low amount of boxers, he loses a pair when they get caught in a fire that was apparently _not_ pararibulitis related, he loses four more to the Rowdy Three and tries hard not think about why they want his _boxers_ (while thanking whoever may have been listening that they made no comment on the wadded up panties), and the few remaining get to the point where if he doesn't wash them there will be Trouble in his pants.

 

Todd picks up the panties with one hand and glares at them. Ever since an Incident as a teenager that involved going without underwear, a girl in a bathroom, jeans, and trying to hurry to his next class he'd never been caught without boxers. Even when he slept he wore them. But all of his were dirty and that meant these were all that was left.

 

“Fuck it.” Todd breathed, closing his eyes. It was better than nothing. He slid them on suspiciously and waited for the other shoe to drop.

 

* * *

 

The other shoe did not drop immediately. The first time he wore them purely to do the laundry and that was it. He wore them, tugged on some sweats, and left. He got his laundry done and did not think about the fact he was wearing _panties_ that had been given to him by _Dirk_. As soon as he had a clean pair of boxers to wear he was pulling them on and forgetting the panties existed. Unfortunately the universe was being obstinate about the panties. Before a week had passed all of his boxers were dirty again, thanks to a mischievous kitten dragging them out an open window into the mud to make a nest, as well as Dirk faffing about and spilling tea on Todd and his folded laundry. This equated to another laundry day for Todd, and another day to wear the panties. He tried to keep them on for the bare minimum again and then the other shoe dropped. The the dryer caught fire with all of his boxers still _inside_ of it, leaving him underwear free apart from the panties. Dirk had offered to loan Todd a pair of his boxers which was thoughtful but not something Todd was interested in. He wasn't sure he could handle gifted panties and borrowed boxers. It just meant he had to wear the panties that night and then to go shopping the next day. No big deal. He could do that.

 

* * *

 

It really wasn't his fault he'd delayed on getting boxers. He refused to admit it. The universe was working against him. He had woken up comfortable and slept in for the first time in ages, turning over to find a rather large stuffed Doge plush resting on the pillow beside his head. After screaming and falling off his bed, he pulled on jeans angrily and went to yell at Dirk. After the last incident Dirk had apparently thought leaving Todd to simmer would be a better idea, and so when Todd knocked on his apartment door there was no answer. After unlocking it with the spare key Dirk had given him “for emergencies but if you want to visit you can do that, too, though we'll probably be more at your apartment, or at least I will be", which Todd told himself this counted for an emergency, and finding Dirk not there he had texted Farah who reported Dirk was, indeed, at the office. At 10:30 in the morning. Oh yes, Dirk had known what Todd would do. He texted Farah a picture of the plush before stomping back to his room and throwing it onto his bed. Dressing himself completely he ran out of the apartment and grabbed a bus. If he didn't move quickly Dirk would get away, and Todd was going to _beat_ him for this one.

 

When he got there, Dirk was already running down the street. Farah stood at the front door looking amused as she watched Todd leap off the bus and chase him. What followed would likely have made Wile E Coyote and Roadrunner proud, as every time Todd thought he'd caught Dirk the bastard would give him the slip. Dirk managed to keep it up until Todd was more tired and sweaty than angry and offered to take him to lunch as an apology with no promises he wouldn't do it again. Trying to get him to promise no more memes was futile. Todd settled for two punches to Dirk's (good) shoulder before accepting the offer. They returned to the office a little over an hour and a half later, Farah waiting for them expectantly with paperwork. When Todd had tried to say he had to go shopping, she made him sit down while saying he should have gone shopping before going good Dirk hunting, a fact he couldn’t deny and only tried to argue for about thirty seconds. Dirk, on the other hand, slipped out by the grace of the claim that he’d done all his work earlier- while avoiding Todd’s wrath.

 

By the time he convinced Farah to let him go free, it was almost the time most stores closed. Todd had forgone taking the bus for running to the nearest convenience store which still took far too long. He managed to slide in through the doors of a convenient WalMart by the skin of his teeth, bolting for the clothing section. He really, truly hated the universe in the moment that he reached it.

 

“You’re shitting me.” Todd said, caught between growling and yelling. It wasn’t the employee’s fault that some asshole kid had projectile vomited in the aisle, which then _inspired_ several other people to projectile vomit as well- all over the men’s boxers as well as a few of the bras as well. Their stock had all been back ordered due to a manufacturer error and they wouldn’t be getting any new boxers or briefs in for at least a week.

 

“Sorry, sir. I could always ring up one of our sister stores, but they won’t be able to get stock here for a day or two.” The employee responded, seeming truly sorry. Todd waved her off and turned around. Obviously it was just a bad kick. The universe wanted him in this underwear.

 

When he got back to his apartment he shuffled into the room and shut the door, sliding a chair in front of it as an extra lock before walking to his window. Debating for a moment, Todd wrote a quick note that said “The next holistic detective to come through this window is a DEAD MAN” before taping it to the glass. He closed the blinds after and then took a moment to breathe. The universe wanted him to wear these panties something desperate, apparently. And really, they weren’t horrible at all. They were surprisingly comfortable and fit incredibly well for Dirk not knowing his size. A smidgen loose but they hadn’t slid down or ridden up or anything. Feeling rather ridiculous, Todd walked to the bathroom and removed his pants to examine them a bit further.

 

The color really did look nice on his skin, he had to admit, pale as it was under his clothes. Instead of making him look sickly it made him look… Clean. Pure, almost, which was one hell of a riot in his mind. Todd looked in the mirror, considering carefully. The cut of them was nice and, really, made his ass look like a miracle covered by pearl silk. The lace accentuated what he had rather nicely, and it was exceedingly soft and had held up surprisingly well to today’s excitement. He smiled rather proudly for a moment before frowning- Dirk had picked these ones out. These _specific_ ones out. He’d even said the color ‘seemed quite lovely’. Todd fingered the lace for a moment or two, biting his lip and narrowing his eyes before shaking his head. It didn’t mean anything. Dirk was Dirk, gift of panties or no. He’d probably not even been thinking about _Todd_ when picking them out, just seeing a pretty pair and deciding they’d work. Todd couldn’t help but feel, perhaps, a bit disappointed by that thought. He cut off the emotion before it could consume him. Dirk was, above all else, his best friend no matter how much of a meme-loving dick he was. Dirk was also, technically and gratingly, his boss. In every universe, those types of thoughts were uncalled for and unneeded. What they had was a good relationship that shouldn’t be bothered by pesky thoughts of being a pair of sane, boring men doing sane, boring things together as a _couple_.

 

Todd had to shake his head and blink himself out of his thoughts before slowly, hesitatingly, stepping out of the bathroom in the underwear only to make himself dinner. A bowl of cereal it was, but better than nothing. He really didn’t want to call takeout at this hour, and he definitely didn’t want to put on pants just to open the door for his food. He propped his feet up on the coffee table and turned the television on, letting the idiot box fill his mind as he ate his dinner and let the day wash away.

 

The universe, however, was not _quite_ done meddling.

 

Todd had just begun to sleep when a knock on the door woke him up. He blinked awake and looked around cautiously. He never knew what a knock meant anymore; if it was Dirk with a case or someone wanting to shoot him. A moment later informed of who it was rather loudly for… He squinted and then grumbled while he stood- 11:30 at night. Sweet Jesus _why_.

 

“Todd! Todd, open the door, I have something for you! Well, another something- a _few_ somethings, and not like the last gift. Well, not quite, it is in a way. Todd, wake up! I hear the telly on, you don’t sleep that well when it’s on too!” Dirk called from the other side. Todd blinked blearily and grumbled as he stood, setting the bowl on the ground by the couch while he stood. “Todd, I’m coming in, I hope you’re dressed!” Was the last bit of warning he got before he heard the key he’d given to Dirk ( _why_ had he given the asshole a key to his apartment that he only ever used when it was inconvenient to Todd?!) being put into the lock. Todd made a noise like a chicken being choked in the middle of a squawk when he remembered he was in his t-shirt and the _panties_ . The ones _Dirk_ had gotten him.

 

“Todd? Was that you? Are you quite all right Todd? That was a weird noise, even for you to make? Did you hurt yourself?” The key wiggled in the lock harder and Todd was grateful for the extra bit of resistance by way of chair.

 

“Don’t- Don’t come in yet! For sweet fuck, Dirk, I’ll get the door, give me a moment!” Todd called out in a panic, tripping over the couch on his way to the bathroom. “Don’t- don’t come in yet! I’m not… I’ve not got anything on!”

 

“Really, Todd? It’s not like it’s nothing I haven’t seen before. Well, not on _you_ of course, but I really don’t think that we’re all that different _down there_ . _Unless_ there’s something you haven’t told me… Which is quite all right, really! I don’t mean to press, I should have known better than to assume-”

 

Todd let him ramble while he pulled on his pants, making sure that the lace of the panties was hidden very carefully before stumbling over to the door. He moved the chair out of the way and pulled it open, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at Dirk. The other man grinned brightly at him, as though he hadn’t just tried to barge in on him.

 

“Brilliant, there you are! I got you these, I hope you don’t mind! Certainly hope you don’t react like last time, but considering that you actually need these, and I _know_ you do considering I inadvertently helped somewhat destroy the last few you had, I didn’t think you would. Perhaps it was presumptuous of me but I got off early today, after all, and I remembered the size on one of your pairs so I thought I might help you and go pick some up. It was quite horrific, actually, I had only managed to grab two sets before some horrific little monster made _eye contact with me_ , Todd, and then _threw up_ all over _everything_. I got out of there quickly, of course, didn’t want to be part of that, but I did manage to get these, free of vomit and all!” Dirk rambled once more, handing out his most recent ‘gift’ with a flourish and a proud expression. Todd looked at his face suspiciously before looking down at Dirk’s hands.

 

“I will let this one slide because I have been in desperate need, but please don’t make a habit out of getting me underwear of _any_ kind.” Todd said gratefully, snatching the _boxers_ out of Dirk’s hands. Boxers, _real_ boxers! And new ones, too! Not the old, stained, holey ones Todd had just recently run out of! Dirk flushed with pride and cleared his throat.

 

“Well, of course not, not after ah… That. I just knew that you needed another pair and it was really the least I could do, after the tea and the kitten.” Dirk paused and then looked around Todd’s flat as the shorter man stepped back and turned around to toss the boxers onto the couch. “Although, I am curious- what _did_ you do with those… Things that I got you?” Todd flushed.

 

“I- I, uh… Actually, I-” He really, really couldn’t tell Dirk that he was wearing them right now. Especially after the reaction he’d given when Dirk had first gifted the panties to him. And saying that he’d thrown them out seemed unnecessarily cruel and he knew that Dirk would get that face if he said it, the face he made when he was upset but trying to be strong and not cry. Watery, giant, puppy eyes and a wiggly lip with a clenched jaw made for a weak Todd. Thankfully, Dirk had walked in behind him and was distracted away from the topic by the sight of something else.

 

“I _knew_ you’d like one of the memes!” Dirk exclaimed, bouncing over to Todd’s bed. The doge plush sat proudly atop his rumbled covers. “Much doge, such plush! Wow!” He cheered. Any embarrassment Todd had felt now turned to irritation.

 

He was going to punch Dirk right in the _face_.


End file.
